What to Accept When You’re Expecting



She scrolled through google results full of bullshit and babies

Google Result 1:

Sign # 8
“Can’t zip up those skinny jeans?”
It’s okay, skinny jeans were last season.
The measuring tape around your waist rates our ability to make love stay. It is on a 1 to 10 inch scale.
I will learn how to cook.

Google Result 2:

Am I pregnant? quiz
Question 2
“How’s your mood?”
You brood over multiple choice’s, looking for one that says “a nightmare from which I am trying to awake”
The voices of Joyce’s are not an option.
You click “I bawled my eyes out while watching something more like How I Met Your Mother than Titanic”.

When I met you, soon to be mother, I was fully aware that babies were a result of romantics.
And I know you hate when I’m overly pedantic,
But I touched your stomach last night when you slept, and it made me dream about violently throwing men overboard to make sure you and whatever is in (there) have a comfortable place on the life boat. With a warm blanket, hot chocolate, and a soft kiss goodbye.
I watched myself smile as I went down with the ship.
It was beautiful.

I woke up,

You quickly learned to stop trusting sad moms on google and found a book on a local library shelf:
What to Expect When You’re Accepting (the fact that you are no longer a little girl. You are having one.)

Chapter 1
“Pregnancy Shopping Checklist”


checkGlider or rocker- You will read Berenstain books in this chair until your lungs give out, because didactic bears in the dark think it’s important to go to the dentist, have picnics, watch less TV, spend more time in trees, and so do you.

checkFeeding Supplies- You will pump life into her. Give knowledge to her. Speak kindly to her. You feed mouths, brains and confidence, you are the fuel that feeds wishes, it is important to know this.  

checkA crib and mattress- Also known as: Imagination fortress. Surround it with pictures of princesses. Above it, pin up a wishlist. Every time you see her smile while she sleeps write “I wish I never had to miss this”. On her cheek plant a soft kiss. Make a mental note of her miniature wrists.

They will one day grow to hold a watch that counts away your minutes.
Before you turn out the light,
above her crib,
Write down
“I wish I had more time with you”.
Make time.

checkLast but not least: high chair and car seat- You long for the day that both of your eyes meet. You yearn for cheerios in food trays and chocolate covered laughter in a dirty kitchen. You obsess about cleaning the back windows of your car,
because whenever you buckle her in she gets to see world for the first time.

In case you were wondering. I am guilty as well.
I too have told secrets to my iphone.


Result 5 (I’m not kidding)


In response to this, I created an electronic event on my calendar. Set nine months from now.

A loud alarm that will wake me from sleep and the screen will read,
Cross out wish list above crib.
Turn it into to do list:
Build time machine.
Travel back 10 months back from today.
Give her a hug that makes her feel like it is going to be more than okay.
Touch her stomach.
Whisper in her right ear
“You will never have to google alone”.
Google together.   

I clicked Alt-left (back), still looking for answers
Result pages full of babies and bullshit.

Click page 26.
This poem.
“What to Accept When You’re Expecting”
Scroll down to the last few lines because poetry is boring.

“Accept that your world is about to change.
Instead of living in it, you will give this blue planet to a beautiful baby and a woman you love.
You are now the dusty book cover of Atlas Shrugged.
Expect to panic and cry.
It gets hard sometimes.
But also expect smiles.”

Expect smiles when she reads aloud to you on that rocker, about those bears and bike lessons. Or when she runs outside on 2 different Christmases,
ten years apart,
with a fire in her eyes and wheels of freedom in the driveway.

Siri: Show me the image of a father.

Google Image.
International symbol of father.
A Man smiling.
Socket wrench hoisted victoriously in the air
on the day his little girl understands

that she no longer needs training wheels
                                                       to explore the world that he gave to her.


Reese Weatherspoon

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